This only tells me Datri is about to pray, which while a pursuit I'd encourage, in itself gives me little reason to wonder what's up. Perhaps a little addition of why he's praying?
Yep, I'm definitely in the 'flip the sentence' camp. 'Crumbled' is a good strong verb, but 'Datri' and 'sees-gods leaves' are both unfamiliar, and having everything so close together made me have to stop and pick things apart word-by-word.
Even in this sentence, there's a nice hint of world-building, so I'd read on to see why Datri's praying - and whether s/he actually does see a god...!
I had to read the "sees-gods" leaves twice to figure out what was going on. Not sure you want a reader to do that; unfamiliar terms might provoke that response!
I don't feel compelled to read further, because the first sentence is pure description and lacks a hint of emotion/conflict. The sees-gods leaves is interesting, though.
I like that you are seeing up the world right off the bat, but I'd build up the scene more. Use as many senses as possible.
I'd stop the sentence at "brazier" and continue with more description. How do they smell? Are they psychotropic? Do they carry prayers to the gods? I want to know why it is called sees-gods.
I'll chip in for the 'flip the sentence' vote. ;) "sees-gods" tripped me up on the first read, and while I'm not terribly hooked, I rather like the atmosphere and so I'd read on a bit more.
Thanks for all your comments, y'all. The tricky part about a first sentence are-you-hooked is that you've only got the one sentence, and you (I) don't want to cram 6million things into it.
I'll definitely swap the halves, though; that makes a lot of sense.
I, too, had to read the sees-gods leaves a couple of times . . . it really threw me off and since I don't know what sees-gods leaves are, it was a bit confusing.
I also think a reversal of the sentence would be helpful . . . but could you substitute another type of leaf so it's not as confusing?
Sorry, I'd pass. The reason the inverting seems more appropriate is because the visual I get is that he's crumblind these things into a brazier which conveys something on hot coals, typically on the ground, then you tell us in the second part that he/she sits. Well, in my mind, I already had him/her sitting. Had you said that Datri was bent over the brazier crumbled those things in, then sat down, I ming have gone on. Though, in and of itself, it's not that compelling, but I'm willing to keep reading if there's nothing that strikes me as being wrong right away, just in case you're setting up something good.
I don't know if anyone's still reading comments on this post, but hey.
The leaves have to be the sees-gods leaves, because our young hero is burning them to have a vision (= see a god.) It's fantasy, so not knowing what everything is off the bat isn't a deal-breaker, because one expects that things will be explained, either later in the page or later in the story. *shrugs* It's genre fiction. We're used to it.
I figured out what the brazier & sitting problem is: originally, it was a fireplace, but it's summer, so there wouldn't *be* fires burning in a 4x4 room. (Or fireplaces at all, most likely.) So I swapped the word, envisioning something on a tripod, about 3' off the floor.
Stuff starts to happen in a couple paragraphs. F'rex, the god shows up, and our young hero finds his comfortable temple life about to be uprooted. (Then in the next chapter, we meet some more folks, and there's swordfighting! That's exciting, isn't it?)
This only tells me Datri is about to pray, which while a pursuit I'd encourage, in itself gives me little reason to wonder what's up. Perhaps a little addition of why he's praying?
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
I'm wondering if you inverted it:
ReplyDeleteDatri sat cross-legged on the prayer mat and crumbled sage and sees-gods leaves onto the brazier.
Otherwise, it takes until the end of the sentence before I get my bearings.
You set the scene with nice detail. I'd read on to see what he's praying about. And to find out what sees-gods leaves are and if they work.
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting and I'd read on. I like the idea of flipping the phrases of the sentence like Helene suggested.
ReplyDeleteYep, I'm definitely in the 'flip the sentence' camp. 'Crumbled' is a good strong verb, but 'Datri' and 'sees-gods leaves' are both unfamiliar, and having everything so close together made me have to stop and pick things apart word-by-word.
ReplyDeleteEven in this sentence, there's a nice hint of world-building, so I'd read on to see why Datri's praying - and whether s/he actually does see a god...!
Tally up another "flip the sentence" opinion. I'm not exactly hooked with this sentence, but I'd give it a couple paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI had to read the "sees-gods" leaves twice to figure out what was going on. Not sure you want a reader to do that; unfamiliar terms might provoke that response!
ReplyDeleteI don't feel compelled to read further, because the first sentence is pure description and lacks a hint of emotion/conflict. The sees-gods leaves is interesting, though.
ReplyDeleteI like that you are seeing up the world right off the bat, but I'd build up the scene more. Use as many senses as possible.
ReplyDeleteI'd stop the sentence at "brazier" and continue with more description. How do they smell? Are they psychotropic? Do they carry prayers to the gods? I want to know why it is called sees-gods.
I'd read more.
I'll chip in for the 'flip the sentence' vote. ;) "sees-gods" tripped me up on the first read, and while I'm not terribly hooked, I rather like the atmosphere and so I'd read on a bit more.
ReplyDelete~Merc
I'm with Merc, almost word for word.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the title doesn't give me much to go on. I'd read more, but the first para would really have to hook me.
Interesting. Would read some more though not quite hooked yet.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep going, but not because the first sentence was all that compelling. Mainly because you haven't driven me away yet.
ReplyDeleteDitto Merc, flip the phrases. 'sees-gods leaves' reads poorly in this setup.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your comments, y'all. The tricky part about a first sentence are-you-hooked is that you've only got the one sentence, and you (I) don't want to cram 6million things into it.
ReplyDeleteI'll definitely swap the halves, though; that makes a lot of sense.
This one is kind-of 'eh.' There's not really anything special about it. Can you start the story, closer to when something pivotal happens?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhile I see what you're saying, Kathleen, we are starting in media res. Promise.
ReplyDeleteI, too, had to read the sees-gods leaves a couple of times . . . it really threw me off and since I don't know what sees-gods leaves are, it was a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteI also think a reversal of the sentence would be helpful . . . but could you substitute another type of leaf so it's not as confusing?
Sorry, I'd pass. The reason the inverting seems more appropriate is because the visual I get is that he's crumblind these things into a brazier which conveys something on hot coals, typically on the ground, then you tell us in the second part that he/she sits. Well, in my mind, I already had him/her sitting. Had you said that Datri was bent over the brazier crumbled those things in, then sat down, I ming have gone on. Though, in and of itself, it's not that compelling, but I'm willing to keep reading if there's nothing that strikes me as being wrong right away, just in case you're setting up something good.
ReplyDeleteFred
I don't know if anyone's still reading comments on this post, but hey.
ReplyDeleteThe leaves have to be the sees-gods leaves, because our young hero is burning them to have a vision (= see a god.) It's fantasy, so not knowing what everything is off the bat isn't a deal-breaker, because one expects that things will be explained, either later in the page or later in the story. *shrugs* It's genre fiction. We're used to it.
I figured out what the brazier & sitting problem is: originally, it was a fireplace, but it's summer, so there wouldn't *be* fires burning in a 4x4 room. (Or fireplaces at all, most likely.) So I swapped the word, envisioning something on a tripod, about 3' off the floor.
Stuff starts to happen in a couple paragraphs. F'rex, the god shows up, and our young hero finds his comfortable temple life about to be uprooted. (Then in the next chapter, we meet some more folks, and there's swordfighting! That's exciting, isn't it?)