TITLE: SEVEN GATES
GENRE: YA FANTASY
16-year-old Sechra is climbing down a rock face in thick mist. She expects that when she reaches the bottom she'll find an opening into one of the other worlds of which she has dreamed.
Voices seemed to come to her in the wind’s moaning: ...Rena’s sharp “What are you thinking?”; Oren’s gentle “Are you all right?”; the solemn voice that spoke just as her dream shattered into the waking world, its words strange to her, its vibration felt throughout her body. Down, always down……
No more trees now. Only narrow ridges in the bare stone. Her feet hurt. The mist seemed full of eyes flickering at the edge of her sight. She could not see them clearly, but she knew they held her fixed in an unblinking gaze. She flinched, hiding her face, and fell, too spent to scream…..
and landed almost immediately, with a jolt that hurt her knees and closed her teeth firmly on her tongue. She tasted blood, blinked back tears.
The dragon-tails of mist were above her now. The land before her was in shadow, but she could see the stony valley-floor and the dark stream sunk in its channel on her left. By her right hand was a fissure in the cliff. It was dark, but not entirely so; there must be light beyond it.
Remembering how the spring water had awakened her, she turned back to the stream, knelt and drank. The water was bitterly cold. She felt no stronger. She raised her head to peer into the mists.
For a moment the shadows parted and a shaft of sunlight lit the entrance of the cleft. Sechra rose, nodded, and went in.
Author here--I already see that I should have taken out the 'mists' in the last sentence of the next to last paragraph. Drat. Taking little pieces out like this makes the mistakes much more evident...
ReplyDeleteI'm a little bit confused by the mysteriousness of the first paragraph. It's a very long sentence and it took me a few reads.
ReplyDeleteSuggestions:
"The mist seemed full of eyes..."
If this is true, as the next sentence indicates, I'd change "seemed" to something stronger. "She felt the gaze of flickering eyes.." something like that.
"Closed her teeth firmly on her tongue" Nice!
"The dark stream sunk in it's channel on her left."
Revise for clarity.
Keep working on it. I'd want to see what was next.
The beginning confused me - is she dreaming or in a trance as she climbs? Is that why the ellipses are used? The voices are speaking over her as though she's already fallen, and yet she still seems to be climbing.
ReplyDeleteThere are several passive lines that you can reword and make stronger. "Voices seemed to come to come to her in the wind's moaning" can remove the "come" and change to something like "Voices seemed to moan to her in the wind."
Other lines rely heavily on was/were and can be rewritten to be stronger:
The dragon-tails of mist were above her now.
The water was bitterly cold.
Take out that passive voice and make us really feel what she feels. The water wasn't bitterly cold - Icy water numbed her tongue and choked her as she swallowed.
It's a good start, and I'd flip the page to see what she finds.
I like your premise -- I love "other world" stories. :)
ReplyDeleteThis writing needs a good dose of editing and cleaning up.
Some thoughts:
The "..."s need to go.
The first sentence -- while I understand what you are trying to paint here -- feels cumbersome and wordy. Perhaps you can pare it down and still portray Sechra's perception of the wind's moaning.
She could not see them clearly, but she knew they held her fixed in an unblinking gaze.
This sentence doesn't make sense, because the previous sentence tells us that the mist SEEMED full of eyes. Going on to say that she could not see them clearly implies that the eyes are actually there.
She flinched, hiding her face, and fell, too spent to scream.
I'm not sure it's physically possible to flinch, hide your face, and fall. Why would she flinch while hiding her face? Try simplifying this sentence (not sure what would make her flinch, at any rate).
Now THIS sentence, on the other hand, is strong:
She tasted blood, blinked back tears.
It's tight, crisp, keeps us in the moment and experiencing what Sechra's experiencing.
Keep working! This could be compelling.
Thanks all. Good points about wordiness and passive voice; I'll go through and do some heavy pruning.
ReplyDeleteI often have trouble with motion/spatial sequences. I'm picturing her trying to hide from the eyes, flinching and covering her face and, as a result, losing her grip/balance and falling.
The part with the voices would be clearer with its preceding page, I think. That was a rather longer paragraph, starting with her hearing her dead mother's voice; basically her memories and fears are taking shape in the dark around her. I need to clarify this too.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteSend me a copy yesterday, plzthnx.
I love the voice, the writing style, the mystery. So far so good.
I'd like to know a little more about Sechra, but I already love that she's so determined.
Fantastic job!! I'd wish you luck, but I don't think you need it. :D
In my own writing, "seemed" is one of my warning words -- that I'm not trusting the story. In other words, using "seemed" is cowardly.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't get past the awkward phraseology and the unusual punctuation, but I do think there's an interesting story here.
Bottom line: the writer is the one who should do the hard work of making the story clear. The reader's hard work is to decide what it all means, not what it all is.
The first paragraph reads awkward. If you really like the content try rewriting it differently.
ReplyDeleteExample:
She could almost hear voices in the moaning wind. A reprimand from Rena (“What are you thinking?”) and Orgen’s gentle concern (“Are you all right?”). And another. The solemn voice that spoke to her when her dreams shattered into reality.
Also, if the eyes are what cause her to let go of the cliff, I think that needs to come more suddenly and be more concrete.
Example:
Unblinking eyes materialized in the mist around her. She flinched, losing her precarious hold on the cliff-face.
Sounds like a very interesting, mystical story!
I must admit my mind drafted (as it's so apt to do). I think the first paragraph lost me.
ReplyDeleteHowever on second read, I liked it.
Maybe it's because I'm in my mid afternoon slump, but I found it mellow and slow moving, even though the action suggests otherwise. But I do like the writing, though I'm not sure I'd keep reading.
It's tough to tell since this is just the very last bit of the chapter, but the first paragraph confused me a bit. After reading Rena's bit of dialogue and then Oren's, there's a reference to a solemn voice but no dialogue. I kept looking for it.
ReplyDeleteThe description seemed somehow off to me. Like, "unblinking gaze" is technically correct, and maybe it's just my bias, but something like "unblinking stare" would make more sense (to me). And "closed her teeth firmly on her tongue" seems like an odd turn of phrase that took me out of the moment.
The sentence where she lands feels almost anti-climatic because it's so long (although I like the sense of a long drop with the elipses). Something like "She flinched... and landed with a jolt" would be more jarring.
I do want to learn more about this secret world, though ;)
I like the tone and mood; it implies a long journey. However, some of the word choices (already pointed out) had me re-reading in places.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when she fell, I was left wondering just how high up she was, since she got up after without much in the way of injuries.
It's a little wordy for me, almost distant as most of the descriptions are about the world around her and not many are about her internal feelings. I don't know if she's scared, anxious, excited or...?
"Voices came to her as if on the wind's moaning?" Get rid of all the "to be" words, was/were/seemed. You've got something here. I'm not a fantasy reader but I started it and stayed with it so that's something. I do feel a strong edit would help. Try it then I'd like to see it again.
ReplyDeleteI felt in the scene but like other readers want to know how she's feeling...also right at the end, was ready for her to fall a long way, and then felt like I'd been cheated because I knew nothing about this. It seemed anti-climactic that she fell a short way. Maybe a simple rewrite there, even if she opens her mouth to scream and nothing comes out.
Sorry for the late review.
ReplyDeleteThe description is interesting, mysterious, but I'd advise you to be careful. First of all, I have no idea what's going on in the first sentence. Part of this is probably because of the 250-word restriction, and I'm being thrown into the middle of action. I'd suggest cutting that monster up a bit, though. That sentence has too many semicolons and makes it a massive, exhaustive run-on.
Second big complaint: you use "was/were" too much. Don't worry, I have this problem too, and I'm constantly trying to find ways to reword sentences. The problem is that your writing just becomes dry and predictable if you're always like, "blah was blah. blahs were blah." You know what I mean? Bad example, but kind of like that.
Be careful with fragments. "No more trees now. Only narrow ridges in the bare stone." This could be reworked into complete sentences, or at least combined. This is my opinion though. Some people really enjoy fragments sometimes.
Finally, don't take this to mean I don't like it. I do, I do! I love "dragon-tails of mist." How pretty sounding! You have a way with language. Just prune the excesses a bit, and you'll have something really beautiful on your hands. Good luck!